still fat one day

 Day One 

Day one of not starting my weight loss plan but the day of too much crying; tears shedding in front of my own mirror wiping it away until I reach my room filled with sorrow memories of clouded mind fixated on having size two figure. today and for two past days I have been starving in reality my stomach has been hurting during the day time because of over eating at night not carry out but leftover fridge rat just looking in the fridge to see what I can make to eat in a hurry for two days I could not finish the last meal until this day I promised myself to fast throughout the vacation but its a struggle with my whole family eating around me I have become more insecure about wearing my swimsuit because what grandma calls it as a beaner belly something Im cursed with sense birth. is when the abdomen looks bloated and is always poking out farther than boobs even when not bloated profile view still seems as if I have fat hanging down from me. I am sad tired of being around people who do not relate with the struggle or want to hear a concern for it which has been going on as if pass ages it seems to my lifetime. Beauty of small waist, vanity of waking up and only thinking it's your face that's making you ugly something very difficult born to not change but stomach is different situation something that can change just as arms become thin. Reason why I never cared to wear lingerie from Victoria secret or even pass a double glance is because I always felt ugly don't get me wrong many shapes and sizes go in all the time have no problem loving what they put out but when I stare into that fade pin k painted mirror I don't feel any joy of a lady but pig that just carelessly eats when there's free time and follows whoever anyone bothers me to stop eating until it was time for the dreaded clothes shopping loved to window shop loved to see mini skirts on hollow long necked figures. the more I stay around parents or little kids they act almost alike really only caring for themselves super self-centered in my case only blabbing off something that's wrong with how the young one they raised acts as if they are not there as if they taught him better if it was the Childs fault but they only care about themselves how is it really there fault if you cant actually. it would be nice to lay down skinny it happened once I was 160 still in fat ra age but felt light wonder what 150 pounds feels. this weight right now I always feel that there is something weighing down on me all the time if I'm fat my hair will never get to meet sharp jaw line or boney clavicle I do wish i liked or shop at lingerie stores but now I despise shopping and mirrors reminds me of what could have been a pretty girl. I am h oping to fast tomorrow my phrase for everyday but I do wish it will come true I can always wake up early or sleep early to collect my thoughts of how I can over come.